Grief, Grace and Gratitude

A short tale of self-reflection at 40.

I woke up three years after my mom passed, and it hit me all at once. I chose this human experience, along with my parents, before I was even born. For some reason, I was meant to have parents who struggled with cancer. That thought led me to reflect deeply. What was this experience trying to teach me? I believe everything happens for us, not to us. So, with that belief in mind, what have I learned from this, and what am I still learning? And then, it became clear. A recurring pattern emerged in my life—learning to accept the things I cannot control. Why is this so hard?!

As a kid, I can honestly say I never really struggled. I was likable and made friends easily. I got good grades, made the dance team, played piano and was good at it, and sang well too. I pretty much always got what I wanted, including every job I ever applied for, and if I couldn’t have it for some reason, my parents would make it happen. I was, for all intents and purposes, a modern-day spoiled brat. To be fair, I was spoiled, but always kind. But then, everything changed. I couldn’t have kids when I wanted, no matter how much I tried, and this time, not even my loving parents could fix it. That’s when I realized the only way out was through—and that’s when my spiritual journey truly began. I believe that in times of crisis, we turn inward, and it’s only through pain that we can grow spiritually. Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”.

At this point in my life, I began to ask the deeper questions. First came the victim-laden ones: “Why me?” and “I’m a good person.. what did I do to deserve this suffering?” But eventually, I shifted to asking, “What is this trying to teach me?” and “What am I learning about myself?” What I’ve learned over the last ten years—through infertility, my mom’s stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis, her death, and now my dad’s cancer journey—is that I’ve had a hard time accepting things I can’t control. I’ve come to believe that maybe my soul’s lesson is to learn how to surrender into the present moment and then inspire others to do the same.

What does it mean to surrender into the present moment? To me, it means finding peace with our current reality. In other words, accepting what is. And in order to do that, we first have to be at peace with ourselves. If we don’t like our current reality and can’t change it, then we must change the way we think about it. And when we change how we think about it, we’re also changing who we are.

Remember when I said I was a spoiled brat? Well, I was also a massive complainer. I complained about everything. I’d wake up complaining and go to bed complaining. Whether it was about being bloated or the crappy weather, it didn’t matter—I was always finding something to complain about, especially over things I couldn’t control. (Don’t I sound like such a delight? lol seriously how did I have friends?) Even worse, my poor mom had to listen to it all, every single day. She never got angry or annoyed with me (or at least she never showed it- though she clearly carried it). Instead, she kept trying to steer me toward positive thinking. The problem was, I didn’t want to think positively. I wanted to wallow in my suffering, thinking it would somehow make me feel better or in control—but it never worked. At the time, I saw myself as a victim of my reality, so naturally, I felt the need to complain about it. But what good does complaining really do? I mean, really—does it help? The person complaining almost never feels better afterward, and it also drains the energy of the person listening. Simply put- it’s a waste of good energy! I allowed my external circumstances to dictate my mood and behavior, which is ironic for someone who wanted to feel in control. Over time I have figured out that we actually are in control as soon as we drop the victim mindset. Like I said earlier, things happen for us, not to us, which means there’s always an opportunity for growth and learning. No matter what life throws at us, it’s actually all for our own good—even when it’s lemons.

So, how do you learn to accept what’s beyond your control? For me, it started with becoming extremely aware of my usual thought patterns, ensuring I didn’t let them pass by unnoticed. (Starting a meditation practice really helps with this.) At times, this meant catching myself as I spiraled into negative thoughts about the future and intentionally shifting to think the complete opposite positive thought instead. Those fearful thoughts of the future really are just preconditioned emotions of past experiences— in other words they’re not real so why do we entertain them? Or better yet, why not entertain positive thoughts and emotions that aren’t real (yet) instead? One might call this manifesting a future reality. I don’t really care what it’s called, I just know that it works. Even if we cannot change an external circumstance, by practicing positive thinking we are changing our energy and ourselves.

Remember, we don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are. Make it a habit to catch those unwanted negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Do this over and over until it becomes an unconscious habit, and then notice how you feel. Notice how you behave toward yourself and others. I promise you, at the very least, you’ll be sending out good energy into the universe! As Galatians 6:7 says, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” Your thoughts have energy. Plant good seeds—thoughts and actions—and good things will grow!