Grief, Grace and Gratitude

I’ve been feeling down lately and I’ll get the question “why?” which honestly drives me nuts. Oh, I don’t know…. because my mom died? Remember her? I also recently had to put down my first dog and I miss them both? It’s crazy to me how quickly the world forgets that you are still grieving/mourning your loss(es) even though your life on the outside seems to be moving forward. It’s like they’re shocked when you say “because I’m grieving,” as if you should be done by now since a year has passed. Which also reinforces the fact that no one else is impacted by your loss the way that you are. They forget after the funeral. They move forward with their lives as though nothing else has changed, meanwhile my entire world has been completely rearranged. God forbid I have moments of feeling down. Why should I? I have my son, a new house and a new baby on the way. Life is great, there is no reason to feel sad. Sure, life is going great! But there is absolutely nothing and I mean NOTHING that can fill that mom-sized gaping hole. That feeling of emptiness will forever remain no matter your external achievements or any external validation you receive. Quite honestly, it’s exhausting to have to constantly share joy with grief. Every moment of joy and happiness is laced with grief, and it just sucks so bad. I can’t remember the last time where I was only experiencing joy. Actually, it was probably my wedding year which was 10 years ago. Since then all the joys I have experienced in my life have been also clouded by grief. And I’m not talking a simple bad day or argument with a friend. Life will always be filled with happy and sad moments. I’m talking about real grief. Real loss. Real pain.

I wish I could tell you that it goes away, but it doesn’t. Almost a year and a half later and I still feel moments of agonizing pain. It hits me when I least expect it, too. I find myself struggling to take deep breaths and my chest will just feel heavy out of nowhere. I could be having the best day ever (or best trip ever) and suddenly I feel this urge to just cry because I miss my mom. Behind every smile and laugh is heartache and pain. I haven’t experienced anything like this before and I can honestly say, losing my mom (and my first dog) has been my hardest life experience thus far. And to think that I believed going through infertility & pregnancy loss was the worst thing I could ever go through. That feels like a walk in the park compared to this (and it’s realistically more like a walk through Jurassic Park to give you some perspective on how bad this really feels.) Perhaps going through years of infertility treatments helped prepare me for the losses I was soon to experience. It wasn’t all for nothing. I became resilient, courageous and mentally strong. I found strength and – more importantly-gratitude in moments where it was completely acceptable to withdraw and go numb. I am choosing to acknowledge and validate my pain, while simultaneously focusing on all the positives. I am here to tell you, while it’s not ideal, you can do both. You can feel both happy and sad. You can live with both grief and joy.